Marriage Tune Up

For the last couple of years, I have had a burden to take the couples in our church on a marriage retreat.   Not that I think the married couples in our church are in trouble, quite the contrary.  The idea of a marriage retreat isn’t necessarily to fix the broken parts, but to keep the marriage from breaking, to shore up some basic areas to keep the marriage healthy. 

My doctor recently recommended I have an annual physical, just to make sure that everything was working like it should.  He made this statement: “sometimes, we focus on a particular diagnosis and can be blinded to what else may be going on.”  He was referring to my cancer diagnosis and how often times, doctors will focus on a known issue and not consider what else may be happening.  I have been thinking about this statement and how it can apply to many things, including marriage. 

You and your spouse may be going through a challenging area together and you are focusing on that one area to the detriment of the rest of your marriage.  Sometimes, it may be your children.  It may be finances.  It may be something else entirely.  Those issues will come and go, but your marriage will remain. 

Let me give you a couple of thoughts on some routine maintenance for your marriage.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married 5 months, 5 years, or 50 years, these things will help. 

Tell your spouse you love them.  Often.  Repeatedly.  Many people assume their spouse knows this.  Remind them.  Don’t let them forget.  But telling them that you love them also reminds you of that fact.  Yes, it’s important that you don’t forget you love your spouse!  I have had many couples in my office for counseling over the years that the conversation gets to this point:  “I just don’t love them anymore.” Or “I’ve fallen out of love.”  Love isn’t a feeling, it’s an action, it’s an attitude, it’s an aptitude.   

Tell your spouse why you love them.  What is it about them that you love?  Is it their strength?  Is it their compassion?  Is their ability to go above and beyond to help people?  Why do you love them?  This is so important.  Think for just a moment with me.  Why do you love your spouse?  If you can’t give me several reasons, maybe you need to spend some time reflecting on this.  My wife bought a piece of wall art years ago that says "I love you because" and then below it is a chalkboard.  Occasionally, she will write something about why she loves me.  I so enjoy seeing what she writes.    

Date your spouse.  Life is crazy.  Especially right now.  Work, kids, bills, who has time to date?  You better make time.  Dating your spouse is essential for your marriage.  Keep those connections alive!  Many think that once the wedding is over, so is the pursuit.  Oh no, continue to pursue your spouse, just like before you got engaged and married.  People need to know that they are wanted.  They need to know that you need them in your life. 

Be intimate with your spouse.  No, I’m not talking about physically.  Talk with your spouse about your fears, your dreams, your goals, your worries.  Sharing those deeply personal things is the basis for all other forms of intimacy.  True intimacy in marriage is being real with your spouse.  Try this:  pray with your spouse.  Take some time and just pray together. 

These are just a few ways to you can give your marriage a quick tune up.  Pick one and try it today.  Plan a date night.  Have a conversation with them.  Let them talk and you just listen.  Reconnect and reap the benefits.