The First Five Years

Five years.  Twenty-something foster children. Many parents, grandparents, a few aunts and even fewer uncles.  Eight social workers (maybe more, maybe less), three supervisors, three CASA volunteers, two GALs, four judges, three police officers, one Kentucky State Trooper, and an R&C worker.  Fifteen hours of initial training, ten hours continuing training every year thereafter.  Four organizations that support foster parents. 

A seventeen-year-old who was about to age out of the system with no plan for his future, nor with a care in the world.  A fifteen-year-old that broke my heart, not once, but twice.  A six-week-old baby who wouldn’t stop trembling.  A six-day old baby that was so little, he fit in the palm of my hand.  Two seven-year-olds that wouldn’t stop eating that first week.  A three-year-old who looked me in the eyes, held my face with her little hands, and asked “are you my Daddy?”  An eight-year-old  (or was it a nine-year-old?) who said, “I feel safe here.”  A two-year-old who held my finger (and my heart) and said “Wuv you Popsch.”  A boy who said, “I like it here; I have a bed to sleep on.”  A teenager who didn’t speak English. 

Too many diapers.  Too many toddler tantrums.  Too many phone calls in the night.  Too many we’re full, we can’t take them.  Too many doctors’ appointments. Too many trips to the hospital. Too many sleepless nights remembering the little ones who went back home, and the little ones who went to the next placement.  Too many answers that don’t quite answer the question.  Too many explanations that don’t ease a child’s pain.

So many smiles.  So much joy.  So much love.  So many “Pops is home.”  So much playtime. So many tears when goodbye comes.  So much relief when we hear that reunification is going well. 

I could tell you more, much more, about being a foster parent.  About the jolt of energy when we get the call and a new placement is on the way.  About the struggle of visits.  About the parents we were able to partner with and help them on their path to reunification.  About the parents who just couldn’t get a grip on their struggles and the pain we felt for them.  About the stipend that doesn’t ever quite seem to cover the costs of diapers and clothes and shoes and on and on and on. 

What I want to tell you is this:  it’s worth it.  Every struggle, every fear, every heartache, every tear, every penny spent is worth it.  When you see a former foster child with their parents, happy and loved, it’s worth it.  When you see that child and they run up to you and hug you and cry out “Pops, it’s you!”  It’s worth it.  You see, my heartache doesn’t matter.  My sacrifices don’t count.  What counts is that a child is safe.  A child is loved.  A child is taken care of while mom and dad get the help that they need to become the parents they need to be.  That’s what matters, and it’s worth it. 

It’s easy to sit back and complain about a broken system (parts of it does seem to be broken).  It’s easy to sit back and talk about awful foster parents who are only in it for the money (I've never met one of those).  It’s easy to sit back and complain about social workers who are corrupt and evil (never met one of those either).  Talk is cheap.  Become part of the solution.  Become a foster parent.  Get involved.  Touch a child’s life and let that child become a part of yours.  You can get started here.

 

Be Considerate!

 

I was born in Iowa, but we moved to Kentucky when I was young, maybe around 4 or so.  Being raised in the South was interesting.  I was introduced to a whole different world of food like fried okra, fatback, and a host of other strange foods.  Funeral customs were different than what my Mom was used to, as well as weddings and other holiday celebrations.  Every summer I would visit my Dad in Iowa and of course my grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins.  My cousins always commented on my accent, the adults, on my manners. 

Being raised in the South comes with the expectation that you use your manners—yes ma’am, no ma’am, please, thank you and you’re welcome are always to be used.  Holding a door open for a lady or giving your seat to an elder is simply done without direction or complaint.

The Bible gives guidance on having good manners or being considerate of others.  To be considerate means to show kindly awareness or regard for another's feelings, or circumstances.  So many difficulties we face could be avoided if we used some simple consideration. 

For example, in Proverbs, we find this verse: “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. (Prov. 15:1)” In conversation, we should mind our manners and give a soft answer to de-escalate situations.  Often, we want to respond in anger or in bitterness, but all that will do is make the other person angrier.   This verse is not only speaking of what we say, but how we say it.  The tone of our voice, our body language, and the amount of eye contact we make all communicates.  Experts tell us that eighty percent of communication is non-verbal!  Think of the last heated conversation you had.  Could have you answered differently in the beginning?  If so, would have the outcome been different.  Most likely, the answer is yes.  Perhaps we did not take the time or make the effort to consider how the other person was feeling.  A soft answer can be just the consideration needed.

We find other guidance in the Bible on being considerate.  In Ephesians 4:32, we see this instruction: “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.”  Simply, the Bible is telling us to be kind to each other.  I find many people are looking for someone to show them a little kindness.  Just a smile can change someone’s whole day.  Don’t you like it when someone smiles at you?  Perhaps you are out at a grocery store and you come upon another person in the aisle.  Isn’t it much better when they smile at you rather than scowl at you like you are in their way?  If you see your neighbor struggling with something in their yard, be kind, give them a hand!  That neighbor may just turn into a friend. 

But this guidance goes further than just be being kind; we are told to be tenderhearted.  Think the best of people, not the worst.  Expect them to do right and to do good, do not expect them to be out to get you.  But if they are contrary towards you, forgive them.  So many feuds are started because someone offends someone else and they respond in anger.  In our history, there are many famous feuds.  They seem to have this in common—after time passes, no one knows why they are feuding to begin with!  But why forgiveness?  Shouldn’t we avenge ourselves when we are done wrong?  No, the rest of the verse tells us that we need to forgive others because God has forgiven us.  Think of all the wrong we have done against God!  Yet, He forgives us! 

One last piece of direction we can find about being considerate comes from Titus 3:2 “To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men.”  Don’t be a gossip!  Don’t partake in talking about others.  This only leads to trouble!  Have you ever known anyone to gossip about someone and it was something good?  No, it always seems to be unkind or mean spirited.  Jesus gave us this warning in Matthew 12:36 But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.  Those gossip sessions will come back to haunt you!  You will be reminded of those idle words!   

Don’t be a brawler—don’t argue or fight with others.  What good can that accomplish?  Fighting never resolves issues, it only makes them worse.  Instead, be gentle!  Show meekness.  Meekness is not weakness.  Meekness can be summed by this thought:  power under control.  Keep yourself under control, and as the sweet little old lady who lived next door to me would say, “mind your manners!”

A little consideration can go a long way in all our relationships.  Whether it is with our coworkers, our neighbors, or our spouses, we should be considerate of them.  Everyone, after all, can have a bad day.  Everyone can and does go through difficult times.  Your consideration may be just what they need!