For the last couple of years, I have had a burden to take
the couples in our church on a marriage retreat. Not
that I think the married couples in our church are in trouble, quite the
contrary. The idea of a marriage retreat
isn’t necessarily to fix the broken parts, but to keep the marriage from
breaking, to shore up some basic areas to keep the marriage healthy.
My doctor recently recommended I have an annual physical,
just to make sure that everything was working like it should. He made this statement: “sometimes, we focus
on a particular diagnosis and can be blinded to what else may be going on.” He was referring to my cancer diagnosis and how often times, doctors will focus on a known issue and not consider what else may be happening. I have been thinking about this statement and
how it can apply to many things, including marriage.
You and your spouse may be going through a challenging area
together and you are focusing on that one area to the detriment of the rest of
your marriage. Sometimes, it may be your
children. It may be finances. It may be something else entirely. Those issues will come and go, but your
marriage will remain.
Let me give you a couple of thoughts on some routine
maintenance for your marriage. It doesn’t
matter if you’ve been married 5 months, 5 years, or 50 years, these things will
help.
Tell your spouse you love them. Often.
Repeatedly. Many people assume
their spouse knows this. Remind
them. Don’t let them forget. But telling them that you love them also
reminds you of that fact. Yes, it’s
important that you don’t forget you love your spouse! I have had many couples in my office for
counseling over the years that the conversation gets to this point: “I just don’t love them anymore.” Or “I’ve
fallen out of love.” Love isn’t a
feeling, it’s an action, it’s an attitude, it’s an aptitude.
Tell your spouse why you love them. What is it about them that you love? Is it their strength? Is it their compassion? Is their ability to go above and beyond to
help people? Why do you love them? This is so important. Think for just a moment with me. Why do you love your spouse? If you can’t give me several reasons, maybe
you need to spend some time reflecting on this. My wife bought a piece of wall art years ago that says "I love you because" and then below it is a chalkboard. Occasionally, she will write something about why she loves me. I so enjoy seeing what she writes.
Date your spouse.
Life is crazy. Especially right
now. Work, kids, bills, who has time to
date? You better make time. Dating your spouse is essential for your
marriage. Keep those connections
alive! Many think that once the wedding
is over, so is the pursuit. Oh no,
continue to pursue your spouse, just like before you got engaged and married. People need to know that they are
wanted. They need to know that you need
them in your life.
Be intimate with your spouse. No, I’m not talking about physically. Talk with your spouse about your fears, your
dreams, your goals, your worries.
Sharing those deeply personal things is the basis for all other forms of
intimacy. True intimacy in marriage is being
real with your spouse. Try this: pray with your spouse. Take some time and just pray together.
These are just a few ways to you can give your marriage a quick
tune up. Pick one and try it today. Plan a date night. Have a conversation with them. Let them talk and you just listen. Reconnect and reap the benefits.
